HIGH STANDARDS- Maintenance

Y'all know how much I admire the country.

Albeit- this belief is now dwindling. Not because, I've spent time here- hell I'd be the first one to admit- I do get bored by the mundane-ness and routine-acity of a place.

But, this one goes much deeper than that. You see-we can tie this to BRITANNIA- to the empire. High stakes game play.. very high maintenance. Requires a sense of power, charm, esteem and glory.

So, the England of now-is still stuck in that glorious time of the past- whereby, it has been introducing marvelously stupid skill sets to pass something useful like a driving test (or setting up a business, or gaining entry, or getting a job)... the list goes on.

The English are able to impose this level of DIFFICULTY- to make the task look unachievable and therefore much more cherished than usual.

I shall give you 2 examples from my recent past:

1. I've been looking for a job recently- and after I got selected in one (thankfully.. or so I thought)- I was asked to come to an Induction day..... an orientation day.... an interview day.... a company tour day (all of them unpaid)... and this was after the telephonic interview and internet application screening process. After this I shall have 6 training and assessment shifts, followed by another 9... and IF SELECTED (I like this one) ... I shall be given a 4 month probationary period.

Heavens... I can't thank you enough for this wonderful opportunity- Everything seems so certain now. My future is secure. (Yeah,sure).

Seriously, is getting a job in the UK- so tough-that it seem's like we have to be grateful for the large mercies they bestow upon us? Is it really so bad economically? I wonder whose propagating this hoopla in the 1st place! For position X.. you shall have to show... 16,394 skills to determine your acceptability to question 1 of our online test.

Thanks for your friggin time.

2. DRIVING LICENSE TEST--- After spending 160 pounds on lessons and booking the test, I was seen by an examiner who seemed sick of his job. Yet, the REQUIREMENTS of being exact on the test- not making a MAJOR mistake whilst putting someone else at risk- mine was, that a lady gave me way at the roundabout- and I TOOK IT. Silly me, I failed the test.

Don't you know? The driving standards are so high... you have to keep looking into your mirrors and blind spots- I do that all the time.. my neck is now officially the most muscular portion of the body. Thank you UK highway code- for giving me a neck Schwarzenegger would envy.

Dumb, half witted morons- setting up the REQUIREMENTS TO PASS- so let's say someone who sat the test 10 years ago- his license is still valid- although the CONDITIONS TO PASS have changed drastically- why isn't he tested with the new rules? Why should this new generation (of immigrants like me) suffer under the tomoltous, absolutely stupid and impractical rules of driving that you have INVENTED to maintain the high western standards of security. You guys seriously need a re-think- big time.

So there you go, ladies and gentlemen, the harder the requirements to pass a barrier, the more esteemed and cherish-able the goal looks.

This is usually followed by (Sigh)... I wish I could be there. Now that you are.... eat some cold cheese sandwich worth 4 quid and enjoy the rain. Half wit gimp.

The gardeners on this side of the hemisphere are trying their hardest to keep this grass spanking green. I was lured to this place by the very same philosophy.

Silly old gnome I am.

The SNOWBALL effect

So, visualize the following scenario.

You're in a room full of unknown people. All of them are complete strangers to you. All of them are looking into your eyes and then looking at the ceiling- 'pretending' they weren't looking at you at all. But all of them are here for a common purpose- in my scenario- a job interview.

Whose gonna break the ice?

Somebody....SPEAK.....please!!

I know... cough... and talk about your flu...

Bad idea.

Why the hell is she opening a crisp packet... damnit... it shatters the silence like the titanic thru iceberg..

Is it me.... or is it boiling hot here..

When will the interviewer call our names..

Hi my name is...

STOP!

So yeah, that's the scenario there. Cut to the chase- and training session one- someone speaks up- loads of hands getting raised- everyone improvising- stamping their authority.

Scene 2:

Back in the same room we started. This time- we're all eating lunch and we CAN'T STOP TALKING even with our mouths full of the most horrid tuna sandwich in the world.

Oh yeah Social Network... loved it. Its based on Mark Zuckerburg you know...

Oh yeah I played in a rock band... (once)... now I'm interviewing for this unknown company.. thought it'd be cool..

I've done this... I've been there...

And guess what, the bunch of girls there who professionally appeared, so calm and composed in scene 1- are now an annoying bunch of banshees who can't stop giggling... and one - upping.

Generally.... All I can hear is...

Blah... Blah... wedding dress... blah .... blah.... makeup

Blah....Blah... Club....Dance.... Blah ...blah... tried this mocktail...

Blah....Blah... why did you make that joke?.... Blah... it's not even funny.

Wow- what a superior sense of judgement... Am I suddenly a friend- that you are TELLING me what to say and what not? An hour you sat there like an angel on white fluff cloud.. Now you're roleplaying accents- talking about ruddy sandwiches and telling complete strangers what to say and what not.

Indeed, you have now been overpowered by the SNOWBALL effect- ladies and gentleman, this is the effect that takes place in a common social circumstance, whereby complete strangers are overtaken by this feeling of oneness, which leads to some strangely psychotic dealings- all the while being commonly strung by one aim (here the interview)- and if someone gets booted- they shall tie a 'fake bond' with someone else.

Indeed.....SMALL TALK SUCKS ASS.

I used to be a propagator- but now I'm just a big time hater of this absolutely ludicrous exercise of Homo Sapiens. Word of Advice- don't get pulled in by the this huge snowball of shit.

Word out.

Is this FOR REAL?

Hi... Yeah...

Battered and Bruised...

But I'm back (kinda).... In one piece.

Don't ask- where I was - I was in a bit of a 'hole' a dark and deep chasm of hopelessness where other poor souls would have been crushed way too long ago (You can see my ego is still intact- just super!)

Let the rant's begin....

HUH?

'12 days without a blog entry? Maan you're killin me'

I know... I know. Accept my apologies dear readers and my ever so supportive fans (this line...omg...this line..)- I shall be back with some fresh writing soon- it's just that a super explosive yet regulation freaky organisation has taken control of my being for now.

I have become the monster I didn't wish to be.....(A friggin Robot- a pawn of their privatized army)..... Nooooooooo!

Meanwhile I got this mail from one of my followers:

Dear Thought Oasis,

Not reading your entry for so many days.... Must... Must read now....NOW.... to maintain calm....and composure. Your blog is like.... is like.... my medicine. It vitalizes my soul....my very inner being. Please post something soon.

Your biggest fan,
Shaggy

Aww... you guys are so sweet. I'll be back! (In Arnie voice) soon... Until then formulate a discourse or... do like a dissertation on one of my entries. It's like that size anyway...right?

Damn you...stupid pride.

Questions from a SOFT individual..

I pride myself into being a confident, self assured person.

Yet, I am not shy of incidents,instances and circumstances in which I (unintentionally) seek 'support' after a good soul bashing.

So, that's 2 things I did wrong there.

1. I got bashed... My ass got kicked... My confidence/ego was shattered and put down on the ground
2. I took support to get some respite

Now both the above do not happen to me often. By my nature-I'm an amicable,pleasant 'sorta fellow' (Yeah I know it doesn't seem so from my blog)- but that also makes me an EASY target for some good ol' frustration ranting- a walking talking bulls eye for folks who are having bad days- (or so my bashed up soul believes)

'Do you feel like shit? Well...use ME..your personal TARGET PRACTICE to get much needed relief!'

'Ahh here comes the pillow.. lets tear him to shreds' -say the other people...

Usually followed by mental punches and kicks...there I am lying on the ground-oozing out ego and confidence blood cells.

Well I term you as morons.

I always think power and rank brings along with it immense responsibility. Responsibility to care and nurture individuals in the team and not treat them like cattle or JUST CONSTANTLY POINT OUT THEIR MISTAKES. It has to be a balanced approach-give out compliments and criticisms in equal measures- but ONLY when they are well deserved. Yesterday, I got a good 'bollocking' for something which was partly my fault- well at least I'm accepting it... but not WHOLLY... oh no! It's me-after all. People's expectations can be a funny thing you know.

So I present today a list of questions- it's a slightly vague list- with no real answers- actually none at all!- but it just represents some food for thought today. And probably some of these questions may be answered as future blog posts:

• Do you behave differently when others are around?
• Do you classify yourself as a soft individual?
• Can you be one person one minute... and completely another the next?
• Do you like to make people smile?
• Do you think it's critical what other people think of you?
• Do you like resorting to self help/motivational tools from time to time?
• Do you sometimes feel you're the best person in the room?
• Do you sometimes think you're untouchable?
• Do you feel you have to be RIGHT all the time?
• Do you write down a daily list achievable goals?
• Do you find it's easier to find joy in differences than similarities?
• Are your friends all like you- or Unlike you?
• Do you like meeting different people? (and by different I mean slight social outcasts)
  
• Do you think you can achieve/accomplish almost anything?
• At the same time- do you feel like you have the potential to do anything but not the DRIVE?
  
• Do you have more than 3-4 thoughts at any given point of time?
• Are you thinking something now- while reading this list?
• Do you sometimes feel that if you did it... then it's acceptable?
  
• Is your ego sometimes too big for you?
• Do you think credit is where credit's due?
• Do you wish your diet included more nutritious stuff?
  
• Do you feel like changing the world-in a small,meaningful way?
• Are you sometimes frustrated by the lack of opportunity?
• Do you feel it's wrong to judge other people?
• Do you know that you're wrong in a situation but still not ADMIT your fault?
• Do you sometimes feel you Bullshit quite a lot?
• Do you make assumptions about people the first time you meet them?
• Do you possess a 'stereotype syndrome'?
• Do you dislike taking any emotional support from people?
  
• Do you sometimes feel you know more about 'stuff' than the next person?
• Do you feel frustrated by a plateau- both mentally and physically?
• Do you wish you could do something new each day?
• Do you control your words and emotions-just for things to remain OK?
• Do you feel like giving another person a massive piece of your mind?
• Do you feel regret for silly actions in the past?
• Do you wish to stand out from the crowd?
• Do you say sorry quite often?
  
• Do people often assume you as 'somebody' else?
• Do you feel angry when you let someone down?
• Do you feel people should tell you what they EXPECT from you?
• Do you feel regret for something you haven't done or have planned on doing for a long time?
• Do you procrastinate?
• Do you sometimes take the stairs when others are taking the escalators?
• Do you sometimes feel smug about being slightly different?
• Does your anxiety get the best of you sometimes?
• Do you sometimes get hurt a lot on one particular day?
• Do you like being looked at?
• Are you hypocritical?
  
• Would you go back and change anything in your life?
• Are you sometimes surprised that people are not what they actually seem?
• Do wish to stand out from a crowd?
• Do you dislike the 'herd mentality'?
• Do you think it's wrong to expect anything of anybody?
  
• Would you ever talk down to someone intentionally- to make them feel bad?
• Do you think big moments in life are few and far in between?
• Do you realize the good parts-only after they're over?
• Do you cherish the NOW... or do you revel in the past?
• Would you ever be someone Else's vision?
• Do you often go 'out of your way' to help someone?
• Do you believe in what you reap is what you sow?
• Do you ponder over failures more than success?
• Would you rather be different yet weird OR boring yet accepted?
  
• Do you sometimes wish you could be someone else in another situation?
• Do you feel you should be stronger individual?
• Do you think people would give you less BS if you were giving them BS instead?
• Do you think what goes around-comes around?
• Do you feel sometimes people should be happy with their RESPECTIVE views? (I respect your viewpoint- But I'll stick to mine thanks)
• Do you hope that people talk good about you all the time?
• Do you dislike people interrupting you?
• Do you sometimes feel let down by your own in-actions?
• Do you sometimes feel you're running out of time?
• Do you think that your life is moving in the right/planned direction?
  
• Are you a daydreamer?
  
• Do you sometimes feel you're not cut out for working in teams?
• Do you think being generally nice,gentle and well mannered is perceived as being SOFT by some individuals?
• Do you think good deeds are rewarded and bad ones are punished?
• Do you dislike people basing their judgements on OTHER people's judgements?
• Do you dislike being told what's wrong or Right by someone you never gave your advice to?
• Would you like it if you people would remember you after you're gone?..in a good way
• Do you think you're going slightly mad reading this list?

If your answers are yes or 'partly yes' to most of the questions above- WELCOME TO MY WORLD. Hope you enjoy your stay. You're truly a part of an ELITE group of people.

Be proud of who you are- I know sometimes I question myself and my beliefs- but that's what life throws us. Moments of doubt shall clear away when we just look WITHIN. All our answers are hidden deep within our core. You'll be surprised... pleasantly.

Uncover yourself. Discover yourself.

Am I a Wuss?

So, I thought I'd write some poetry today. As it seems life is providing me 'Poetic justice' each day.

Some of it may rhyme... same of it won't- as you may observe I do not wish to emphasize a particular format. Just wish to get the point across.

By the by- Wuss is defined as A person regarded as weak or timid and especially as unmanly. (Being gay is something else completely)- In layman's terms- a wuss could be defined as a 'scary cat' or a 'scary chicken'. Puk-Pukaaaak!

"Cats are for wusses, dog men say" (Laura Blumenfeld).

'HUH??.. You know what laura-you can just FUCK OFF!'

Am I wuss?- A poem by me.

Am I wuss?
Is the question today.
Why..what or who is a wuss... you might say.

Well..plenty of reasons one might give...
Jeez.. Plenty of reasons give you the right to live.

But when you're a wuss destiny plays turns
Tests you, challenges you and makes your tummy churn.

Ok.. I'll be the first one to put my hand up...
And own up..
to the fact..
That I hate getting any injuries or disease.
I hate going to the hospital or paying the doc hefty fees.
I hate seeing my blood..
It renders an emotional flood..
One so difficult to comprehend..
But alas! You're termed as a WUSS in the end.

One tiny cut..
And you run with your hands on your butt..
And scream like a girl..
But hey now-you're getting knickers into a twirl.
Does that mean girls have a right to scream when they get hurt?
Or is it bad to SCREAM when you get skiddled with dirt..

Who defines you as a wussy in that circumstance?
And what is their level of tolerance if they get beat up by chance?
God forbid..
But that had to be said.
Coz I dislike people making definitions..
I'd like to make it a full stop-that's my proposition.

Yes, I like to take care of my body parts..
Barring aside the junk food and the tarts..
That's a different issue dude..
Please now let's not get into a feud.
The problem with me I hate getting cuts,Bruises, scars or Burns..
But you're a man now and it's your turn!

But then again I point out this vicious circle..
Am I less of a man if I don't like getting blue and purple?
My answer is nope..
My endurance and patience may be higher in different levels..
Hell I can walk for miles and miles-an activity I revel..
And I can climb stairs faster than a fox..
And lift weights mightier than an Ox..
(Haven't seen a bullock lift dumbells yet.. But still)
Chill..
And talk nonsense for hours and hours..
And write pure drivel for lines and lines..
Just to get my point across...just to make it SHINE.
You see I like to take care of this health of mine..
God has blessed me with health so fine..
Why should I blow it all away on the line?
I'm not in the Army which has it's own risks..
I'm not a magician doing dangerous sword tricks..

I work in hospitality..
Hell...Coz of that I ain't going to a hospital.
No thanks!

So you see-my endurance is in a different zone..
About the injuries here-by this poem a trumpet is blown.
Yes, I dislike getting hurt..
And what's wrong with that?-I'd like to assert.
This poem comes from a recent BURN..
A point of my life where it took a turn..
Oh.. don't be worried..it's only a small one.
Well..next time I'll say that when a small bullet passes through..
Don't you worry-it was the small one-you won't feel a thing.
Damn you if I ever get burnt again-I'm gonna wear an armour fit for kings..
I don't care if I look like a moron..
Hello.. as you can see I'm no Genghis Khan.

The burn itself has become a blister..
Oh boy I can feel it.. my knickers are in a bloody twister!
Jeezus christ-it's dark brown now..
Just how does this happen...HOW??
And then there's this bubble..it's freaky and scary..
They say- Oh god dude- you're such a fairy.

(They won't understand!)

A miracle of nature this skin of ours..
Heals by itself.. albeit takes hours and hours.
Why go through all this pain-one might ask..
When the pain comes along-its hurting already..and all are taking me to task.
Holy shit people..I got burnt..
In the end all I can think of- destiny points I have earnt..
And an important lesson has been learnt.
It's no biggie- they continue saying- grow up man!
Well-I'm writing about it- for now thats going to be my plan.

I like my skin how it is thank you very much..
They say- Oh if you're scared of this dude..then you should get in touch..
(with your career counsellor that is)
As you're not going to last in this kinda environment for long..
Well.. I'll show how this wussy is gonna prove you wrong.

Lets have arm wrestling..lets have a race..
But please please don't blow smoke on my face.
I'll completely understand the situation of my fellow brothers..
Just come out-let's help one another.
Let's raise an army of people who like to care..
Let's not hide behind the metrosexual tag..or gay tag..or be called rapunzel so fair.
Let's take care of ourselves..we've got this one life.
Don't go chopping celery like a maniac with that long sharp knife..
Take it easy..take a chill pill..
Life is a bitch anyways- the journey is uphill.

If you can walk like me from Heathrow to Harrow..come give me a shout..
Otherwise kindly leave aside your foolish doubts.
I might be a wuss just coz of injuries..
But when it comes to the REAL STUFF.. I smile and say cheese!
And please don't think I'm praising myself..
Well.. I am ..so what?- write a blog for thyself.
No..no.. It doesn't mean I'm right.. I do have to be a little less sensitive..
Little shit to take.. but a lot to Give!

Think about the important things-and just take care
And leave the tag of being a wuss to me-
It's only fair.

(Holy shit a business idea! - 'Wussy Day Care')

So there you have it-my take on what real life is all about- and not letting people judge you on your lack of strength just because you dislike seeing something wrong happening to your magnificent health. I wish good health and endurance to all my readers. (Oh..that would be...I- cough..cough!)

And on a final note, as an influential author once said,

''All d wussies in da house go yeahhhh!'' (- Me)

'Waddup? I aint no wuss..but I just wanna say HELL YEAH!'

WHOA there! moments

Hello Children,

Time for another lesson in life from the master (of all screw-ups). So you know those moments- when you go- 'oh shit- how did THIS get here? Or why in heavens name is THIS happening now?'

Well that's exactly what this post is about- the THIS moments which you wish to convert to THOSE quickly and smoothly. People who are involved in those weird, embarrassing moments where I was the main protaginist? Kindly move over to that side of the hall...
Weird things happening to me (this is another series)- so let's not lose track of 3 series's -- To summarize:

1) FLAW

2) FRESH THINGS

3) WHOA THERE!

So in whoa there moments- Here are some of the few moments that popped into my head just now...

• Flatulence

Well..the tummy version. Not the backside one. Especially when it all goes silent... like in the cinema- there's this huge action scene and you had a heavy lunch. And then guns booming- tanks blasting- aircrafts flying and then all goes SILENT-as all army men are dead on screen. And your tummy makes a SOUND...Uhhhhhaaaaauuuuuhhhhha

The person next to you: 'Fuck was that?'

(Sounded vaguely like a fart)

But it SO WASN'T... And you say: 'Hello it was my tummy..Jeez man I swear'-

You think-Hey you bad boy- why you embaressing daddy like this? Bad tummy... BAD TUMMY. Jesus- you had to wait for everything to get SILENT- why couldn't it go when all guns were blazing.Welcome to the age of the 'Surround sound digestive system'.

'Seriously!.. I sometimes sound like an ARSE'

• The SINGULAR growth syndrome

Holy molly... what is wrong with my hair growth. Now, the other areas I understand- but my NOSE? For crying out loud!

'Its a nice filter- imagine it as a dust catcher- the more hair the better'

Says a friend of mine. I know for a fact he doesn't have a single hair strand on his chest,his arms or legs. (or ears). Lecturing me about nose Hair. Bollocks.

Must be the harsh desert environment I grew up in- I comfort myself.

And you know what-its isnt a nice tidy bunch.. naah. It's just ONE DAMN HAIR... Ewww! I mean.. hello... yum. You're a man's man bro.

'Ahh... what can I say- I'm having a bad (nose) hair day'

• The OH SHEESH moment

Imagine this- you've joined your course in this university you dreamed of. And you're having a personal 121 meeting with the dean who has been so impressed with your academic performance. He shows it on the FORM where to sign... and you place your finger on the form and ask

'Is it there, Sir?'

And then you see it. Your dirty brown nail- filled with scum from god knows when. What the fuck were you thinking- pointing your index finger on the form like that? 'YEAH SIGN THERE MORON! Of course!' I mean why?? And then couldn't you groom your nails before this important meeting? Or was your nail cutter offending you with choicest swears just like I am.

Unpardonable really.

'And thats why we must always use middle fingers while pointing on forms'

• Aachoooo! Scuse me?...

Ah yes. Good old pizza hut Buffet. What better day than to initiate a competition of Binge Eating- who can stuff most pizza's in the gob in 30 minutes?

Me...me... ME!

And then when I'm stuffing a slice of veggie supreme, coleslaw and simultaneouly drinking coke by the side (requires some skill you know)...

'Ah...ahhh....AAAAAAACHOOOOOOOO'

Peppers- cheese mash, wet dough and brown coke droplets on the faces of 3 of my good friends.
Well-lets say 2 of them didn't remain GOOD friends after that incident. And the other guy- licked off his face ala Homer simpson style. Mmmm...pitzaaaaaa.

'Who knew that a sneeze could be so LIFE altering?'

• YOU KNOW THAT GUY/MOVIE/SONG?

Ahh... this happens quite a lot to me- I usually come up with this.

Me: 'Hey you seen Sylvesters New movie?'

Him: 'Yeah Man'

I check out his reaction.... his eyebrows lift

Me: 'It.....'

Him: 'Sucks big time. I mean what in the hell was he thinking...blah...blah...bLAHHHHH... (for about 7 minutes)

Me: 'Yeah man... totally! I'm so dissapointed'

(While all this time I was thinking- Jeezus.. the movie rocked! It was an amazing piece of visual art- action sequences, adrenaline- you name it. And then he said the exact opposite thing)

And I agreed.

Why?... I dunno. Why can't people agree with my super sensitive feelings??You broke my Heart :-(. Damn you stallone haters.

'Did you say something to me?....DID YOU??'

• And finally for now: The Image blotter

You spend a whole day- in your immaculate suit- in your new workplace... meeting everyone with a smile. And everyone smiles back.

And chuckles for a bit...later....

And you wonder why. You think positive- ah such lovely co-workers! Smiling and laughing all the time. Or smiling and then laughing for some reason.

You go into the loo-check your face-teeth-any leftover food? Naah...relax!

You come home- you change- you notice...

a big red mark on your trousers. And that too... in THAT zone. Hard sticky. Leftover ketchup stain. HEY HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN??? It's my new trousers.

Fuck you Marks and Spencers!! Your workers eat while merchandising your clothes? Are they dumbasses??..Seriously man!

And then I remember.

Ahh... That Big Mac while driving. Ah! Yes, how could I be so silly. Bad Mcdonalds...Bad lil Big Mac... you silly old boys. and Silly old me.Hmph!

Guess I'll have their Mc-shake tomorrow. This time-no droppings. Chocolate flavor... Mmmm.

'Ahh.. Now this is a BETTER use for ketchup droppings'

The Rise of the Bottoms!

See the word in the title?

'Bottom'

In a literal sense- that mean's down. And nobody likes to be down. Barring old ladies preferring a flat on the lower floors in case of accesibility issues. No seriously what's up with using the word Ass- it's almost obsession in the modern English Language! I want to highlight and eradicate all these mis-idioms of sorts. Yes, I'm a culprit as well (if you read my blog)- guilty as charged.

Poor Asses all around the world- you have my sympathies. Just because you're a waste excreting mechanism enabler-doesn't mean you have to be the pun of all these swears and silly jokes.

Let's begin, before that let's clarify Arse is the English Usage and Ass is the American one. I'll use both based on likeability and sound-ability.

'Dont be such a Smart Arse'

Origin: Unknown... Probably the 80's in the slasher movie era.

Used by: Mostly Women to men (based on experience)

Meaning: Just a smart...know it all. What I don't get is the how Ass and smart went hand in hand here. I'm smart because of my brain and my poor buttocks have nothing to do with the my IQ, GK or general intelligence. Each time that word is used, my ass pinches me from the inside- indeed it's 'SMART' enough to know that the other person is using something demeaning towards the poor creatures. Hey what did I do?- it yells to me.

'Shut your pie hole (aka Ass)'

Used by: Anyone in a fit of anger

Meaning: To shut your gob or mouth. When people speak a load of Bullshit (BS will be covered in another blog entry- actually no... it just sounds so damn good together). So- this is basically a command- a directive issued by a person who will not take any more words from you. Words hit him like pie's hit Bill Gates that fateful morning.

'Holy shit.. someone forgot to shut their pie hole'

'Kick Ass/ Ass got kicked/ You need ass pounding/ Ass whopping'

Used by: Usually men after a sports dribbling (say)

Example: England's ass got kicked by Germany in the world cup.

Meaning: We got defeated.. big time. Or my boss gave me a scolding for being a bad employee. But in any scenario why do our poor bottoms be the ones suffering a dribbing? I mean technically and strategically speaking- our ass is the softest part of the human anatomy-if you kick that portion in anger or distrust- you won't be inflicting maximum damage on us. No sir! There are other portions which are way... I MEAN WAYYYY more susceptible to maximum impact. Any ideas? Don't get em- else I'll kick your ass.

'Kiss Ass'

Origin: In the 80's western hemisphere Office Environment

Meaning: To pucker up... to be the 'yes man' of an important person. Again- you may be impressed by this person's understanding and will to succeed. But you shall be termed as an Ass kisser- but why- humor me. Why are you kissing his/her bottoms? Is it because the person is in a position of power- so what if I agree with his directives? Why am I termed as an Ass kisser. Does that mean when my Boss is demoted or re located- I wouldn't agree with his core principles? Jeesus, get a life smart ass! Oops.. I did it again.

'I can't resist it... Mr. Burns just rocks my socks'

'DumbArse'

Origin: On the internet in late 90's. Most likely to be heard in the suburbs of London. I am one of the most prolific users.

Meaning: Pure dumb commentary.. tomfoolery. Just a ridiculously unscrupolous unwarranted statement made by a bigoted individual (such as myself)- then I would term the person as a dumb arse. But I would also if I purely am feeling like it for no rhyme or reason. I am very benevolent in my usage you see. But now to critically analyse the usage- once again I can only smypathize my with my pinching bottoms- why are they termed as Dumb when it's actually my brain and mouth team that brought along this usage in the first place! Shame on me... I'm not going to use this (much) from now on- for my Arse's sake.


'Kiss my Ass'

Origin: 90's Hollywood revolution... of sorts

Meaning: Just get lost and don't be a know-it-all. You're only worthy (or maybe not) to kiss my bottoms figuratively. It's like if you THINK YOU CAN DO IT? Well you better... kiss my... you know what. Again- what's the harm? There there.. my dear asses- I'm taking revenge from all the haters.

'Dont speak out of your ass'

Origin: This is a new one...

Meaning: Well... what I've been doing throughout this blog entry. I've been speaking through my bottoms as many of my dear readers must be thinking now. But what you fail to understand- I'm fighting for the forgotten warriors- our cushions on hard wooden seats, on a cold winters day on the bus or an old rickety bench... whose the one who gives us support-Yes our ass! And do we ever thank it? No--we just like to make fun of it like lil dimwits that we are. I apologize wholeheartedly my dearies.

'Ass hole'

Origin: Late 60's I'm guessing

Meaning: This is the biggie... the sugar daddy of all usages. Where or why did this come about is anyone's guess. Essentially it's just a cuss of sorts. Don't be an asshole- well if we look at this part of the human anatomy- it signifies passage of waste. So essentially, when we think or talk in a wasteful manner- then we're termed as one. But- imagine lives without this hole... would we able to survive? You bet your ass- WE WONT!

So please, please- make this the last time I use this beautiful wonderful, helpful organ as a pun.. as an excuse.. as a swear.. or as a lame joke. Let's sign a contract- never to use our Ass-ism's in vain. Please- allow it the respect it deserves. It's our lifelong, faithful companion after all.

(Of course, whilst writing this blog I am EXEMPT from this contract. Because, it's not possible for this blog to exist without calling stupid silly muppets with heartening swears time and again)

But my sincerest apologies are also due to the Workhorse of the animal kingdom- Ladies and Gentleman this poor animal has been associated to our anatomies for way too long. It's time to change our views on the mighty...Jackass.

'Hey guys... I forgive you....Hug time?'

My sincerest apologies to all the asses around the world.

Please... DON'T BE ONE... in the comments section below.

My Feet Ache: It's a Fresh Feeling

So here I am back again. Quite unlike me to NOT find the time to write an entry all this time. But started up a new Job at a new place- so it's quite... busy (let's put it that way)- Ok who am I kidding? It's shit busy- ALL THE TIME! But it's also seriously enjoyable for some reason. Ah Good riddance! So I thought why not put up a new blog series (just like Flaw)...

Edit: The blog entries are going to be erratic for the next few weeks-apologies to my beloved readers.... (that is... apologies to ME... hah!)

Presenting the Series: It's that fresh feeling!

'But hey...I did something NEW today!'

Things I've experienced for the 1st time in my life on that particular day- it could be as small as taking a wrong step or as big as saying a whole sentence in German. No biggie- no pressure! At least this way- I'd have a 'guesstimate' of how exciting my life can really be. Thankful for these small mercies I must indeed be...

Fresh Feeling (Part 1):

• Caught the first bus on schedule and the first tube! Damn there were still too many people.. London you never fail to surprise me! Or your office goer timings- slobs like me.
  
• Saw the Landmark TDK sign at Piccadilly at 5:55 am- on a dark autumn morning- Centre of London is much more serene and tranquil than it's transport networks. Indeed, one feels rather small and moved- especially if there's Sigur Ros playing on your Ipod- haven't heard about them? Wiki them now!

'A literal landmark view- only in the morn's though...'

• So, for the first time ever in my life- I met person from Gambia- and Now I truly understand where the west indian accent comes from- jeez! It all makes sense- look at the location of Gambia on the continent of Africa! It's just got the sea between the Indies and itself. Plus, it's the smallest country on the continent- no wonder we don't see many Gambians about. I've got around 8 in my new workplace! Whoa- the doors have indeed opened- cool dudes the lot of them.
  
• Just a sentence- I discovered about restaurant secrets- well- There are NO SECRET RECIPE'S... trust me- there is a ready-made alternative in a restaurant Eveready and ever-present! Let's all em Secret SUPPLIER Recipe's- gosh I've been a dumb customer paying so much money.. ah what the hell! It tastes good and I can't be bothered.
  
• For the first time I experienced a Freezer room- a huge hall where Ice Creams and frozen desserts are kept. Is Antarctica like this all the time? Misty- and bludgeoningly cold? Oh how does an absolutely delightful thing like an ice cream cone come from this torrid atmosphere? And I was thinking- WHAT IF THE DOOR CLOSES AND I GET STUCK IN THE ROOM? Oh boy- an inventive way to commit hara-kiri indeed! Panic Freezer in Saw 7...
• The first time ever- I only imagined it in dreams- I've seen it on the buses and tubes-I've seen it on construction sites- it's a symbol of tough men all around the world- it's a symbol of 'you mess with me? Well..now your Ass get's kicked'. Yes ladies and gentlemen- it's the SAFETY SHOE!... (shoe off) Jeez... it's one heavy bugger. And, for all that kicking of bottoms- well- my feet are sore; they ache bad. Feels like I'm carrying mini dumbells all day long. But I like it- nevertheless, I feel like a Cowboy out on a purposeful ride.
  
• For the first time ever I wore a dark blue Kung-Fu costume- don't ask me why! I just did- and it felt good.... and Airy. I felt like beefy Bruce Lee. Haiyaaaaa! And the worse part- just when I was taking a picture of (YES) myself in the mirror-coz it's unique look cmon! It's almost fancy dress-ish for me. So yeah, just as I was about to click my picture- someone entered the room and my phone headed straight to my ear for a FAKE phone call... yes my friends- a fake phone call. Sad... I know. Things people do when the stakes are high wearing Kung Fu Outfit- can't look like a moron you see. Have an image to sustain... And Bricks to break.... Hooooowaaaaaa!

'So I heard the blogger has a new KungFu uniform... Sigh!...'

More Fresh stuff later....

Hope I can blog more regularly. Can't dissapoint my core readership like this....

...oh yeah.

(I should stop with this line)

This one's for all the Daddy's out there...

Based on various newspaper sources and surveys- it has been shown time and time again- that MOTHER is the most beautiful word in the English language. And without a shadow of a doubt our very existence-our genetic make-up- our actions and interactions are nurtured right through the womb. A lot has been written and portrayed in social media through songs,journals, reports and poems about MOMS- and how beautiful and wonderful they are. I wonder if my Mother is happy the way I turned out- I guess not- but she'll be proud of whatever her son tries to achieve and I hope she forgives my inactions.

So it can be (cheekily) stated, Mother's are the 'celebrities' of the parenting world... and that's why-this space is dedicated to all our Dad's out there. To show how much we love you.

A LETTER TO ALL OUR FATHERS,

This one's for you dear father. This one's for you- all my words- all my actions- all the consequences- and all the praise- all the advice- all the responses- all the carelessness-all the wishes- my faults and strengths- my will and my desires- and all the love and care- It all stems from you Dear Dad.

I wonder what were your thoughts on the Day I was born. This little, puny, tiny baby- one day would try to become a man (I'm far from it though)- but the keyword here is 'TRY'.

I wonder if I'm like you Dad, do I remind you of when you were a younger lad? Did you have this free careless spirit within you? Were you a rebel? Did you enjoy breaking the rules? Did you care about what you thought was right and not what the society thought? Were you an egoist?I'm sure you didn't have many flaws like I do :-P. Flaws is my speciality! But, I sure do remind me of you sometimes- and I carry your genes - I must be... no indeed... I am your 'Soul's copy'.

And, I wonder if I've lived up to your expectations. We know all fathers have expectations from their children- some big, some small, some career oriented and some for life. Especially, us lot (rather crudely)- we believe so much in the SOCIETY, in the FAMILY VALUES, in the COMMUNITY- I appreciate it so much that you have continued to be flexible with your expectations. In fact, you have levelled them in parallel to mine- what an act of pure unselfishness- this indeed shows how much of a GIVING person you are, Dad. You care about how I feel more than your personal choices. Thanks ever so much- You are truly an example to me.


'Is it a bird... Is it a plane?... No... It's a REAL HERO... and he's with us all the time!!'


I wonder how do you feel when I make mistakes (which I do quite so often)- Do you feel bad, do you feel embarrassed- do you feel 'when will he learn?'- or do you feel- 'I wish he could listen to me'. I'm so sorry for all the times I didn't listen to you, Dad. They always say 'wait till it happens to you'- well it won't happen to me from my children- but I just don't accept other people's arguments (forget about children)- I don't know how you coped with mine! You are truly a man of steel. Forget about fictional superpowers- it requires superhuman mental strength and determination to nurture and up bring a CASE like me- and my my! You did a marvellous job indeed.

I wonder if it is a Job to be dad? I guess, it just COMES to you- the responsibility, pressures, expectations, care, good will and security- it just comes naturally to a father. And by heavens- you are endowed by magnified levels of all these traits and more! And thereby, my selfish nature shall not permit me to be one- I shall always admire your selflessness and your courage. How you've steered through tough times- how you've been both a mother and a father to us. How you've been our guiding light. How you've helped us physically,emotionally and mentally through all the stages of our lives. HOW YOU'VE MADE US WHO WE ARE!

I wonder if it's too late to say sorry- to BE sorry. Well, they say it's never too late. And I wonder if you may ask 'sorry about what, son?'- well my faults are infinite- my denials and justifications countless- I always had an ARGUING point across my sleeve. But know this dear father- this distance away is teaching me each day- what a magnificent creation of universal love a father really is. With each passing moment- this realisation strengthens- that It is you who I wish to be like- in your nature- in your character-in your compassion- in all your resoluteness- in your guidance- in your strength- in your will-and in your love and care.

Indeed, there can only be ONE YOU- There can only be ONE DAD- And I'm so very proud and ecstatic to have YOU as my father. God has blessed me with the purest guardian soul on planet earth. I don't say this enough- but I love you so much dear father.

A MILLION THANK YOUS! A thank you from us dear dad- THANK YOU FOR INSPIRING US TO BE A BETTER HUMAN BEING.

Lots of love and gratitude,

It's me :-)

This one was for all our fathers- from their biggest FANS in the world- their sons and daughters.

(Group Hug)