'Bottom'
In a literal sense- that mean's down. And nobody likes to be down. Barring old ladies preferring a flat on the lower floors in case of accesibility issues. No seriously what's up with using the word Ass- it's almost obsession in the modern English Language! I want to highlight and eradicate all these mis-idioms of sorts. Yes, I'm a culprit as well (if you read my blog)- guilty as charged.
Poor Asses all around the world- you have my sympathies. Just because you're a waste excreting mechanism enabler-doesn't mean you have to be the pun of all these swears and silly jokes.
Let's begin, before that let's clarify Arse is the English Usage and Ass is the American one. I'll use both based on likeability and sound-ability.
'Dont be such a Smart Arse'
Origin: Unknown... Probably the 80's in the slasher movie era.
Used by: Mostly Women to men (based on experience)
Meaning: Just a smart...know it all. What I don't get is the how Ass and smart went hand in hand here. I'm smart because of my brain and my poor buttocks have nothing to do with the my IQ, GK or general intelligence. Each time that word is used, my ass pinches me from the inside- indeed it's 'SMART' enough to know that the other person is using something demeaning towards the poor creatures. Hey what did I do?- it yells to me.
'Shut your pie hole (aka Ass)'
Used by: Anyone in a fit of anger
Meaning: To shut your gob or mouth. When people speak a load of Bullshit (BS will be covered in another blog entry- actually no... it just sounds so damn good together). So- this is basically a command- a directive issued by a person who will not take any more words from you. Words hit him like pie's hit Bill Gates that fateful morning.
'Holy shit.. someone forgot to shut their pie hole''Kick Ass/ Ass got kicked/ You need ass pounding/ Ass whopping'
Used by: Usually men after a sports dribbling (say)
Example: England's ass got kicked by Germany in the world cup.
Meaning: We got defeated.. big time. Or my boss gave me a scolding for being a bad employee. But in any scenario why do our poor bottoms be the ones suffering a dribbing? I mean technically and strategically speaking- our ass is the softest part of the human anatomy-if you kick that portion in anger or distrust- you won't be inflicting maximum damage on us. No sir! There are other portions which are way... I MEAN WAYYYY more susceptible to maximum impact. Any ideas? Don't get em- else I'll kick your ass.
'Kiss Ass'
Origin: In the 80's western hemisphere Office Environment
Meaning: To pucker up... to be the 'yes man' of an important person. Again- you may be impressed by this person's understanding and will to succeed. But you shall be termed as an Ass kisser- but why- humor me. Why are you kissing his/her bottoms? Is it because the person is in a position of power- so what if I agree with his directives? Why am I termed as an Ass kisser. Does that mean when my Boss is demoted or re located- I wouldn't agree with his core principles? Jeesus, get a life smart ass! Oops.. I did it again.
'I can't resist it... Mr. Burns just rocks my socks'Origin: On the internet in late 90's. Most likely to be heard in the suburbs of London. I am one of the most prolific users.
Meaning: Pure dumb commentary.. tomfoolery. Just a ridiculously unscrupolous unwarranted statement made by a bigoted individual (such as myself)- then I would term the person as a dumb arse. But I would also if I purely am feeling like it for no rhyme or reason. I am very benevolent in my usage you see. But now to critically analyse the usage- once again I can only smypathize my with my pinching bottoms- why are they termed as Dumb when it's actually my brain and mouth team that brought along this usage in the first place! Shame on me... I'm not going to use this (much) from now on- for my Arse's sake.
'Kiss my Ass'
Origin: 90's Hollywood revolution... of sorts
Meaning: Just get lost and don't be a know-it-all. You're only worthy (or maybe not) to kiss my bottoms figuratively. It's like if you THINK YOU CAN DO IT? Well you better... kiss my... you know what. Again- what's the harm? There there.. my dear asses- I'm taking revenge from all the haters.
'Dont speak out of your ass'
Origin: This is a new one...
Meaning: Well... what I've been doing throughout this blog entry. I've been speaking through my bottoms as many of my dear readers must be thinking now. But what you fail to understand- I'm fighting for the forgotten warriors- our cushions on hard wooden seats, on a cold winters day on the bus or an old rickety bench... whose the one who gives us support-Yes our ass! And do we ever thank it? No--we just like to make fun of it like lil dimwits that we are. I apologize wholeheartedly my dearies.
'Ass hole'
Origin: Late 60's I'm guessing
Meaning: This is the biggie... the sugar daddy of all usages. Where or why did this come about is anyone's guess. Essentially it's just a cuss of sorts. Don't be an asshole- well if we look at this part of the human anatomy- it signifies passage of waste. So essentially, when we think or talk in a wasteful manner- then we're termed as one. But- imagine lives without this hole... would we able to survive? You bet your ass- WE WONT!
So please, please- make this the last time I use this beautiful wonderful, helpful organ as a pun.. as an excuse.. as a swear.. or as a lame joke. Let's sign a contract- never to use our Ass-ism's in vain. Please- allow it the respect it deserves. It's our lifelong, faithful companion after all.
(Of course, whilst writing this blog I am EXEMPT from this contract. Because, it's not possible for this blog to exist without calling stupid silly muppets with heartening swears time and again)
But my sincerest apologies are also due to the Workhorse of the animal kingdom- Ladies and Gentleman this poor animal has been associated to our anatomies for way too long. It's time to change our views on the mighty...Jackass.
'Hey guys... I forgive you....Hug time?'
My sincerest apologies to all the asses around the world.
Please... DON'T BE ONE... in the comments section below.
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