WHOA there! moments

Hello Children,

Time for another lesson in life from the master (of all screw-ups). So you know those moments- when you go- 'oh shit- how did THIS get here? Or why in heavens name is THIS happening now?'

Well that's exactly what this post is about- the THIS moments which you wish to convert to THOSE quickly and smoothly. People who are involved in those weird, embarrassing moments where I was the main protaginist? Kindly move over to that side of the hall...
Weird things happening to me (this is another series)- so let's not lose track of 3 series's -- To summarize:

1) FLAW

2) FRESH THINGS

3) WHOA THERE!

So in whoa there moments- Here are some of the few moments that popped into my head just now...

• Flatulence

Well..the tummy version. Not the backside one. Especially when it all goes silent... like in the cinema- there's this huge action scene and you had a heavy lunch. And then guns booming- tanks blasting- aircrafts flying and then all goes SILENT-as all army men are dead on screen. And your tummy makes a SOUND...Uhhhhhaaaaauuuuuhhhhha

The person next to you: 'Fuck was that?'

(Sounded vaguely like a fart)

But it SO WASN'T... And you say: 'Hello it was my tummy..Jeez man I swear'-

You think-Hey you bad boy- why you embaressing daddy like this? Bad tummy... BAD TUMMY. Jesus- you had to wait for everything to get SILENT- why couldn't it go when all guns were blazing.Welcome to the age of the 'Surround sound digestive system'.

'Seriously!.. I sometimes sound like an ARSE'

• The SINGULAR growth syndrome

Holy molly... what is wrong with my hair growth. Now, the other areas I understand- but my NOSE? For crying out loud!

'Its a nice filter- imagine it as a dust catcher- the more hair the better'

Says a friend of mine. I know for a fact he doesn't have a single hair strand on his chest,his arms or legs. (or ears). Lecturing me about nose Hair. Bollocks.

Must be the harsh desert environment I grew up in- I comfort myself.

And you know what-its isnt a nice tidy bunch.. naah. It's just ONE DAMN HAIR... Ewww! I mean.. hello... yum. You're a man's man bro.

'Ahh... what can I say- I'm having a bad (nose) hair day'

• The OH SHEESH moment

Imagine this- you've joined your course in this university you dreamed of. And you're having a personal 121 meeting with the dean who has been so impressed with your academic performance. He shows it on the FORM where to sign... and you place your finger on the form and ask

'Is it there, Sir?'

And then you see it. Your dirty brown nail- filled with scum from god knows when. What the fuck were you thinking- pointing your index finger on the form like that? 'YEAH SIGN THERE MORON! Of course!' I mean why?? And then couldn't you groom your nails before this important meeting? Or was your nail cutter offending you with choicest swears just like I am.

Unpardonable really.

'And thats why we must always use middle fingers while pointing on forms'

• Aachoooo! Scuse me?...

Ah yes. Good old pizza hut Buffet. What better day than to initiate a competition of Binge Eating- who can stuff most pizza's in the gob in 30 minutes?

Me...me... ME!

And then when I'm stuffing a slice of veggie supreme, coleslaw and simultaneouly drinking coke by the side (requires some skill you know)...

'Ah...ahhh....AAAAAAACHOOOOOOOO'

Peppers- cheese mash, wet dough and brown coke droplets on the faces of 3 of my good friends.
Well-lets say 2 of them didn't remain GOOD friends after that incident. And the other guy- licked off his face ala Homer simpson style. Mmmm...pitzaaaaaa.

'Who knew that a sneeze could be so LIFE altering?'

• YOU KNOW THAT GUY/MOVIE/SONG?

Ahh... this happens quite a lot to me- I usually come up with this.

Me: 'Hey you seen Sylvesters New movie?'

Him: 'Yeah Man'

I check out his reaction.... his eyebrows lift

Me: 'It.....'

Him: 'Sucks big time. I mean what in the hell was he thinking...blah...blah...bLAHHHHH... (for about 7 minutes)

Me: 'Yeah man... totally! I'm so dissapointed'

(While all this time I was thinking- Jeezus.. the movie rocked! It was an amazing piece of visual art- action sequences, adrenaline- you name it. And then he said the exact opposite thing)

And I agreed.

Why?... I dunno. Why can't people agree with my super sensitive feelings??You broke my Heart :-(. Damn you stallone haters.

'Did you say something to me?....DID YOU??'

• And finally for now: The Image blotter

You spend a whole day- in your immaculate suit- in your new workplace... meeting everyone with a smile. And everyone smiles back.

And chuckles for a bit...later....

And you wonder why. You think positive- ah such lovely co-workers! Smiling and laughing all the time. Or smiling and then laughing for some reason.

You go into the loo-check your face-teeth-any leftover food? Naah...relax!

You come home- you change- you notice...

a big red mark on your trousers. And that too... in THAT zone. Hard sticky. Leftover ketchup stain. HEY HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN??? It's my new trousers.

Fuck you Marks and Spencers!! Your workers eat while merchandising your clothes? Are they dumbasses??..Seriously man!

And then I remember.

Ahh... That Big Mac while driving. Ah! Yes, how could I be so silly. Bad Mcdonalds...Bad lil Big Mac... you silly old boys. and Silly old me.Hmph!

Guess I'll have their Mc-shake tomorrow. This time-no droppings. Chocolate flavor... Mmmm.

'Ahh.. Now this is a BETTER use for ketchup droppings'